Since I got here, it's ben constant running, confusion, lack of sleep and lack of personal Jesus time. Even though I feel like I'm getting a great education, that personal time with Jesus is missing. Today things pretty much slowed down. Alot has come and gone and it's got me thinking alot about priorites and how Jesus fits into mine. I'm paying thousands of dollars to be here... to do Gods work and I feel like I'm not resting in His peace. Everything is on the go. I've gotten sick a few times since I've been here and I refuse to be brought down by an illness.

I've dated here... and I've learned alot about the experience. Sometimes I look back and I think about my past and I wonder even though i can see how I got from who i was to who I am now... even still that I can se it, I wonder how did I mak it? How did I survive. Because looking at who I am and who I should be... I should be dead, I shouldn't have survived so many things. But here  am I... still breathing... still worth dieing for, or at least Jesus thinks so. So why do we not rest in him? Why do we continue to do the exact same things expecting a differnt result? Why do we rush through our day so we can go to bed, just to wake up and do the exact same thing again. Oh Lord, give me grace. Allow me to enter into your presence again that I may worship you and find rest in your arms.

"His right arm holds me and His left embraces me."

lol.. still feeling sick from doing my test... I don't really want to go into details on that. I'll be teaching a sunday school class and preaching over the next few weeks before I leave for college. But I don't really want to get into all that either. What I want to talk about here... in this blog, is about disrespect.

Granted, I've been disrespectful, so call this as you like, but I'm totally sick of people (teenagers mostly) being so incredibly disrespectful and rude in church. It's one thing outside the church, I expect it. But I have have to talk to more then just a few people (once again mostly teenagers) about talking, laughing, playing, and etc. durring a service or durring prayer, or even in the midst as we are praying.

Last Sunday night, I heard what could quite possibly have been the best sermon I have ever heard in all my life outside of scipture itself, on reverence of God. The person preaching was so annointed to preach this sermon, you could see the overflow coming off of this person directly. It was beautiful. As this person preached I was surprised I didn't see tears rolling down their cheeks. It was as if you could see Gods heart being preached right there in front of me. My heart was moved, changed and filled with compassion, reverence, joy, and love all at the same time.

As the sermon came to a close we all went to the alter but the teenagers sat back. Which doesn't surprise me, but at that alter God was there. I laid on my face and revernce, pure and holy reverence shook me to my bones. And just in the middle of my prayer, I saw a spirit, as if I were already outside my body, being thrown outside my body. My body shivered as if the very life of me shook, and that spirit was struck by a sword held by the hands of a man, whom I could only assume being Jesus, striking my very soul with the sword of truth. And right there, in the middle of the vision, I heard it..... no nothing of God, teenagers laughing... talking, loudly. In the back of the santuary... In my anger, I lept to my feet and scurried over to them.

"Are you serious?" I angerly whispered, trying to keep my voice controlled.

"We were talking about the sermon..." one of them stammered.

"Then talk outside, I could hear you from across the room? We're not even suppose to be talking right now, we're suppose to be individually at the feet of Jesus! Weren't you listening at all?"

They knew I was angry, I was beyond angry. Not only were they being disrespectful, but they had also lied to me as well... I could hear their conversation! I returned to my position of worship, and easily fell back into Gods peace, love and mercy. I cried out for them, for myself and nearly drowned in my tears. I worshiped and began to pray for forgivness of all those times I had been loud, distracting to others, left the middle of a service because I didn't want to be in there. And right there in the middle of my prayer, I heard it...again. Differnt group this time, I had had enough... but I wasn't angry this time for some reason... I was filled with a little anger but more so pain. When my eyes fell on the group that was chattering and laughing, my heart broke. It was a couple of young adults, my age, and a few teenagers. I rushed over to them, and spoke as gently as I could.

"What are you doing guys? You're missing out! I heard you guys all the way in the front, where I was focused on God and all I could hear from behind me was you all laughing. What you do, effects others."

They tried to blame it on one person making them laugh. And I just shook my head. It didn't matter. I directed them to go out of the sactuary and into the fellowship hall after explaining that this was a time of ministry and returned to my place by the alter. My heart was shattered.

How often do we all do this? How often is it that we miss out on what God is trying to share with us in everyday things. I'm not trying to be as FiFi would call, "Susie Spiritual" but it's a true statement. How often do we miss out on hearing Gods voice? How often do we become a "stumbling" block to others? Distracting others from what the Lord is speaking to others. I can't bring myself to do it anymore. I even went off on someone tonight because she was trying to talk to me while the YP was preaching out of Dig In. I refuse to disrespect God anymore in such a manner. I refuse to ignore that grieving feeling in my spirit. I will listen to the LORD! And will no longer tolerate others trying to pull me away...